Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
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*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
This is me 🤣🤣
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.