Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions