A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
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*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean