“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
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[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
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