My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
You Might Also Like
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Getting married soon just need a spouse