While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
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do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Ion see the issue
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.