Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
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“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
bro what is going on at twitter
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
eating my hot dog hamburger style