Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
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*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
My favorite female superhero
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.