Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
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i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
The prophecy is fulfilled
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
We like the way Dwight thinks
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.