I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun