When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
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Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.