an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
You Might Also Like
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
they should invent a rest for the wicked
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does