My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
we all know this pain all too well
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.