I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
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[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.