11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
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[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.