Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
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*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”