ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
You Might Also Like
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Are we there yet?…
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.