The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Lmao 🤣
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Body by cheese-puffs.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.