Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
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Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
There is no “we” in pizza
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.