[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
You Might Also Like
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
guys I’m going home
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
New favorite tiktok
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio