“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
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WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”