Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
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I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Boy never ceases to amaze me
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.