Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.