We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
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i choose….tongue
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Britain be like
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
finally
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda