why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
the red hot silly peppers
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.