the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
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My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.