“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
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What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
mariah carrie
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*