[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.