Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
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Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
They’re on their honeymoon
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Birds & Planes.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”