Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*