Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
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[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
brian had himself a morning…
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.