I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
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Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Teach your children to beatbox
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in