If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
You Might Also Like
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I hope they boil the right one.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex