If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
You Might Also Like
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
kitchen magnet
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it