Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
You Might Also Like
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone