Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
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I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.