I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
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It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”