Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
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Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My biological clock is wheezing.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE