After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
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me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity