Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
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companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.