I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
You Might Also Like
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.