[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
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Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan