Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?