My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
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Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Brb my Sims are getting married
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Autocorrect completely socks
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.