Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
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The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Well, this explains it:
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Succinctly put.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities