8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
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Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
#CatsOnTwitter
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not