Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
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I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?