#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
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Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.