[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
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Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”