kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
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Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
hey, alexa
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.